What did I say about forgetting about this blog after three posts?
So shortly after my last post, I discovered that I'd managed to blunder my way through 29 years of life without realizing I had ADHD. So many things I'd taken for granted — my apparent social ineptitude, especially in my school years; my tendency to space out; my nonexistent concept of the passage of time, and my subsequently being late to everything (yes, up to and including my own wedding); my inability to find the motivation to get any chores done (if I ever started them at all); my hyperfocus on things that interest me, and subsequent moving on to the next obsession; my penchant for beginning projects and then abandoning then halfway through; my persistence in clinging to obviously unhealthy relationships; my extreme difficulty switching tasks when I wasn't done; even my having so much trouble getting out of bed in the morning, no matter how much sleep I'd had — it all made sense. I wasn't a fuck-up, my brain was just wired differently! Suddenly a whole new world of possibilities opened up before me. I could finally do something about all these issues I'd struggled with for the last couple of decades — I could make something of myself after all.
Over the summer, I saw my primary doctor to see about finally getting a formal diagnosis for this and the mild depression and anxiety I'd dealt with since getting married (and later divorced), and started seeing a therapist, and finally a bonafide psychiatrist, even though I was terrified of the idea of being put on traditional medications, which are far too similar to meth for my comfort. My depression and anxiety are mild enough not to warrant any treatment currently (fingers crossed, they stay that way), and much to my surprise, there are other medications available for ADHD now that aren't stimulants. I began taking bupropion (Wellbutrin), a dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor originally developed to treat depression, but otherwise perfectly suited to correct my lack of adequate receptors for those neurochemicals. Within a month, I noticed I was answering the phone at work and not sounding like I was working on my fifth espresso of the morning — without thinking about it. My self-control when it comes to shopping is greatly improved, and I'm starting to get a better handle on my sense of time and working on actually being on time to work for a change. I managed to get through an entire season at Toys R Us without being late (the one time I got stuck in accident-related traffic notwithstanding), and saw improvements in my attention to detail and memory as well. We're still working out my dosage, but I'm in a good place right now. I don't feel any different personally, which was another fear of mine; it's more like going from Legendary to Heroic difficulty. I can work with that.
So this year (only because I decided all of this in the middle of an impossibly busy holiday season), I'm using my tax return to pay off all of my credit cards, set up an emergency fund, pay off my Disneyland pass and the one I'm getting my mom for her birthday, and finally get started on the things I've been dreaming of doing since 2009: ricing up my car, and getting my tattoos. Because I finally realized that I can get off the treadmill and start walking forward for once. I may need a little help, but by God, I can do it. I can make it through Toys R Us without dropping $50 on my kid just because, I can window shop and not buy anything for myself, I can save money for the things I really want, I can be responsible, I can get organized and remember my appointments before I'm already late for them, I can finally start living up to my potential. It's going to be a bumpy road, I'm sure, but it beats letting my life pass me by any longer. My hair's already turning white, for fuck's sake. It's about damn time.
Over the summer, I saw my primary doctor to see about finally getting a formal diagnosis for this and the mild depression and anxiety I'd dealt with since getting married (and later divorced), and started seeing a therapist, and finally a bonafide psychiatrist, even though I was terrified of the idea of being put on traditional medications, which are far too similar to meth for my comfort. My depression and anxiety are mild enough not to warrant any treatment currently (fingers crossed, they stay that way), and much to my surprise, there are other medications available for ADHD now that aren't stimulants. I began taking bupropion (Wellbutrin), a dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor originally developed to treat depression, but otherwise perfectly suited to correct my lack of adequate receptors for those neurochemicals. Within a month, I noticed I was answering the phone at work and not sounding like I was working on my fifth espresso of the morning — without thinking about it. My self-control when it comes to shopping is greatly improved, and I'm starting to get a better handle on my sense of time and working on actually being on time to work for a change. I managed to get through an entire season at Toys R Us without being late (the one time I got stuck in accident-related traffic notwithstanding), and saw improvements in my attention to detail and memory as well. We're still working out my dosage, but I'm in a good place right now. I don't feel any different personally, which was another fear of mine; it's more like going from Legendary to Heroic difficulty. I can work with that.
So this year (only because I decided all of this in the middle of an impossibly busy holiday season), I'm using my tax return to pay off all of my credit cards, set up an emergency fund, pay off my Disneyland pass and the one I'm getting my mom for her birthday, and finally get started on the things I've been dreaming of doing since 2009: ricing up my car, and getting my tattoos. Because I finally realized that I can get off the treadmill and start walking forward for once. I may need a little help, but by God, I can do it. I can make it through Toys R Us without dropping $50 on my kid just because, I can window shop and not buy anything for myself, I can save money for the things I really want, I can be responsible, I can get organized and remember my appointments before I'm already late for them, I can finally start living up to my potential. It's going to be a bumpy road, I'm sure, but it beats letting my life pass me by any longer. My hair's already turning white, for fuck's sake. It's about damn time.
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